Put a pin in it~

I have 15 pages of documents stating who what when where how... but no why!! Page 1 states.... this marriage is irretrievably broken~ My face book posting earlier this week was... Nuttin like a piece of paper telling you when you get to be a parent. That is exactly what this feels like. My family is now dictated by a calendar~ You know how much that hurts a person who has only ever wanted a family. I don't have big goals and life long dreams except to be a good mother and have a great family. Now I'm being told by a judge when I can do that. I'm not going to bad mouth my ex, just express my feelings. You know how hard of a pill it is to swallow that the person you loved for 14 years and still do... feels like they are personally attacking you??? It is hard to comprehend. The facts..... I will no longer be provided health insurance or dental, I will no longer have the income I use to have to support my family, I risk losing my house... which since I work out of my home... I lose my job, I no longer have the security, and I no longer have my best friend. In turn... all of those things say... I was not worth it. Ya know in these times I hear of people losing their jobs or having hard family struggles... my response... please tell me how I can help. I feel like every day I keep getting hit with more and more~ Something about me wasn't worth keeping our family together. Ultimately that's the truth. Was his choice to leave, so what does that say about me? I've always wanted a family and to raise my family and grow old with grand babies and sitting on the porch. Throw in a party now and then, add a concert and some fun and I'm all set. Don't need to be a billionaire, or have all these cool things, but never thought I'd be in the position of not having health care or dental, or lose my house, or choose between food or electric bill. Where did my life go wrong?? Then there is the future... I have my daycare set up to take all school teachers kids. I'm off every holiday and summer break... so I have time to just be a mother to my girls. Time off to just be a mom~ Well that has totally screwed me. I have no income in the summer now. The future is very scary and I don't want to face it.... but it is barreling right at me~ I just don't know that I have ever felt in such a state to cause someone else this much pain and struggle in life. That is what I keep coming back to. Ok, so he says he doesn't love me and never has.... but the commitment was there... the friendship was awesome... but somewhere along the lines... as a person I just wasn't valued enough. My happiness and my future didn't matter anymore and getting out is the only option no matter the cost~ What can I do now??? Move forward~ Be the best mom I can in the time allotted to me~ Find ways to make more money for the security of my home and job~ Make cuts where I can to afford health and dental insurance~ Would just be fabulous if a millionaire fell in love with me... but then where am I?? Is it true love?? Is it a love that will screw me in the end and make things worse?? Is there even such a thing as love... or is it really about how much we can tolerate another person, and when that tolerance runs out... you're screwed!!! I'll never understand truly what happened... and I'll always wish I was worth more~ I'd like to just put a pin in it and walk away for a while. Maybe when I come back to deal with it... it won't hurt so much~